What’s in it for me? Cultivate self-compassion as a tool for sustaining positive change.
Have you ever tried to change something about yourself, only to fall back into your usual routine a few weeks later? Maybe you wanted to stop drinking, but couldn’t pass up a happy hour with your friends. Or maybe you were ready for a career change, only to find yourself in the same job years later. Many of us now have access to the best self-help books, health gurus, and weight loss programs. So why is it so hard to create lasting change?
These blinks reveal how you can tackle any behavioral change by focusing on self-compassion and understanding. Using simple exercises, you’ll learn how to beat old habits and sustain new ones once and for all.
In these blinks, you’ll learn
why you should avoid labeling your unwanted habits as “bad”;
what people who successfully enact behavioral change have in common; and
what addiction therapy can teach you about changing any behavior.
Self-compassion is integral to lasting change.
Having tried diet fads, health camps, and weight loss coaches, the author, Shahroo Izadi, was an expert when it came to losing weight. She just wasn’t good at keeping it off.
Whenever the number on the scale crept back up, she would fluctuate between periods of self-imposed starvation and unhealthy binge-eating. She sought to punish herself for her perceived weakness and confined herself at home until she felt thin enough to be “worthy” of social engagement. And when she did achieve her goal weight, her satisfaction never lasted more than a few days.
After a lifetime of struggling with low self-esteem, she had an epiphany: Maybe her struggle with weight had more to do with her overall self-image than with the weight itself.
The key message here is: Self-compassion is integral to lasting change.
After a painful breakup, Shahroo gained more than 90 pounds. The result was a major hit to her self-esteem, and yet another period of feeling like she had no social worth due to her appearance. This time, she felt that she needed to see a counselor in addition to her usual routine of extreme dieting and exercise.
Having believed that the weight itself was her biggest problem, she was surprised when her counselor posed a simple question: What would happen if you never lost the weight?
At first, the suggestion filled Shahroo with rage. How could she be happy without being thin? But after a few days, she started to notice other overweight people around her. Surely she didn’t think that they should ostracize themselves because of their extra pounds? She became acutely aware of the gap between her expectations for herself and her expectations of others.
With this in mind, she decided to try an experiment. Instead of waiting until she looked the way she wanted to, she would treat herself with the same kindness as if she had already achieved her goal weight.
To her surprise, by being kind to herself even on days when she didn’t reach her weight loss goals, she began to lose weight more quickly than she ever had before. And beyond that, her new self-compassion had a positive impact on every aspect of her life.
Lasting change requires a judgment-free process.
As a therapist in addiction recovery, Shahroo got a call from a friend asking for advice. The friend was dating a man who was years into recovering from alcoholism. She wondered if she should be concerned that he continued to attend daily support-group meetings.
To Shahroo, the answer was a no-brainer. People who continue to secure their well-being after having recovered from a history of addiction are doing better than well. They’re likely to possess self-awareness and coping skills far greater than the average person trying to quit a habit or start a new one.
The key message here is: Lasting change requires a judgment-free process.
Through her work in addiction treatment, Shahroo gained extensive insight into how these methods could be applied to any desired behavioral change. One of her biggest epiphanies came from a lecture she attended about the dark web.
She discovered that in addition to offering online markets for illegal drugs, the dark web also created a space where people suffering from addiction could share their coping mechanisms anonymously. In other words, these online forums afforded a judgment-free space.
In contrast, when people seek help at a substance-misuse treatment center in the UK, one of the first steps in the process is filling out forms consenting to information sharing with social services or the police, if deemed necessary. People are also asked to list information about their children, criminal history, and mental health diagnoses.
As a result, a mother suffering from alcoholism, for example, may be at risk of having her children taken away if she’s honest about the extent of her drinking. But if she is not able to address her problems honestly, she will be less likely to gain the support she needs.
It’s not just substance abuse that requires a judgment-free process for change. In the past, Shahroo would never have admitted to her doctor that her real motivation in losing weight was to look good in a bikini rather than to reduce the risk of diabetes. With that in mind, when you complete the exercises in these blinks, it’s crucial that you feel like you can be completely honest. You might consider using a dedicated notebook as you work through the process, which you can keep where others won’t read it.
Map out your positive qualities and accomplishments.
If you’ve ever made a plan to change something about yourself, you know that your motivation often wanes. Without systems in place to hold us accountable, it doesn’t take long for us to give up on our plans altogether. Even worse, failing to change our behaviors can make us think that we just don’t have what it takes to change at all.
In reality, all of us already possess positive qualities and achievements that serve as evidence of our capacity to accomplish things. But we tend to forget this in our darkest moments. That’s why the first step in the Kindness Method has nothing to do with the habit you want to change. Instead, it’s about cultivating self-compassion by gaining an appreciation for what you’ve already accomplished.
This is the key message: Map out your positive qualities and accomplishments.
When it comes to lasting changes, your chances of success greatly increase if you put in the time and effort within a clear framework. Much of the work outlined in these blinks is about making maps to understand where you are and where you want to go.
Let’s start by making a map of your positive attributes. In the center of a piece of paper, write “Ways I’m Happy to Be” and draw a circle around it.
Now think about the strengths or positive qualities that you value in yourself. You might include meaningful compliments you’ve received, reasons why you’re a good partner, child, or parent, or the way in which you handled a difficult situation. Write out these qualities on your piece of paper, drawing a circle around each item and then drawing a line from the new bubble back to the “Ways I’m Happy to Be” bubble in the center. This spoke-and-wheel method is used in the maps mentioned throughout these blinks.
Now, take time to identify your previous accomplishments with a “What I’m Proud of” map. These might include things such as a 10K run you completed, or achieving something that surprised you. Maybe you’re proud of your home, or the family that you’ve created.
As you progress through the Kindness Method, continue adding to these maps whenever you reach a new achievement or observe a new positive quality in yourself. You’ll shift your mindset by creating an ever-expanding reminder of what you’re capable of.
Identify what has and hasn’t worked for you in the past.
When it comes to change, what works for one person might not work for the next. Shahroo found that one thing her most successful clients had in common was dedicating time to understanding their individual patterns. By doing so, they were able to create a plan that worked for them, helping them to achieve and maintain their goals in the long run.
Successful change, Shahroo discovered, was less about “finding yourself” than meeting yourself where you already are.
Here’s the key message: Identify what has and hasn’t worked for you in the past.
Consider a situation you overcame that demanded hard work, sacrifice, or perseverance. It might have been a time when you were working toward an important goal or simply felt motivated to dedicate yourself to excel, achieve, or create. Now, let’s create a map entitled “When I’m in the Zone.” Consider the conditions that were in place that helped you succeed in your endeavor. You might ask yourself where you were, who was around you, how you felt, or what it was about the process that worked well for you. Maybe drinking enough water, having a routine, or asking others for advice or mentorship has helped you to succeed.
Once you’ve completed your map, take some time to reflect on what you’ve written, making notes on the back of the map or elsewhere in your journal. Do you see any patterns? If so, what would be the ideal circumstances for sustaining a change in your routine?
It’s also important to create a “What Hasn’t Worked” map. This map is used to track any shortcomings that surfaced when you attempted to create change in the past. Looking at your map, are there any elements of this previous plan that weren’t suited to your personality? Circumstances that threw you off? Or was it your negative self-image that undermined your belief in your ability to change? Maybe you found that a juice cleanse wasn’t as effective in shedding pounds as you had anticipated, or maybe you discovered that you were relying on others to keep you going.
If this exercise reminds you of all of your failures, don’t be disheartened. Acknowledging these shortcomings will help you better prepare to reach your goals next time.
Identify the habits you want to change and how they emerged.
We tend to think of habits that we want to eliminate as bad. But in most cases, we adopted these habits to serve us in some capacity. For example, many people drink alcohol because it gives them self-confidence in social situations.
When we label certain habits as “bad,” we’re more likely to let our self-criticism spiral. This undermines our intention to change the habit that we’re unhappy with. Instead of viewing our current behavior as a weakness, it’s important to view it in light of the bigger picture.
The key message here is: Identify the habits you want to change and how they emerged.
Your first step in clarifying the habits that you’d like to change or establish is to create a map of the ways in which you think your unwanted habit – or the lack of your desired habit – is negatively affecting your life. For this map, create a “What’s the Harm?” bubble in the middle of the page and add the negative impacts you’ve identified. Chances are, you’ll find that your habit has affected areas of your life that you hadn’t even considered.
Shahroo once had a client who was concerned about her use of cocaine on weekends. It wasn’t using an illegal substance that bothered her. Instead, it was the crushing days of anxiety, sugar craving, and self-doubt that followed. Rather than giving herself the time to recover and deal with her emotional problems, she’d escape these feelings by yet another weekend of partying.
By identifying the negative impact of cocaine use across her life, the client was further motivated to cut down and ultimately stop using recreational drugs. Plus, whenever she resented that she was missing out on all-nighters, she was able to remind herself of the anxiety-ridden moments that would follow – something she no longer wanted to experience.
After identifying the negative impact of your habits, take a look at how those habits emerged. Start a “Why Haven’t I Changed Already?” map and consider the reasons why you may be stuck in your ways. Does staying the same help you escape your thoughts, like Shahroo’s client? Or is it simply the only thing you’ve ever known? By being honest about your current behavior, you can learn to forgive yourself for not having progressed yet – and be kinder to yourself while moving ahead.
Tracking your triggers can help you overcome them.
In an earlier blink you learned how to identify what worked and didn’t work in your previous attempts to achieve behavioral change. But there are often external factors that may lead you astray if you’re not aware of them early in the process.
Most people fall victim to certain triggers, such as hunger or stress. But whether you are anxious about your finances, an upcoming deadline, or pressure from a relationship, keep in mind that there will never be the ideal time to transform yourself. What’s more, by identifying your stressors, you can attempt to learn coping strategies that will improve your daily life and ensure that the stress doesn’t affect the changes you want to make for the long term.
This is the key message: Tracking your triggers can help you overcome them.
Start a “What Will Test Me?” map, and write down all the worries, anxieties, or situations that cause you to lapse or relapse. These might include things like “starting a new relationship” or “traveling.”
For some people, the thought that they need to read a book on habits others seem naturally capable of can be disheartening enough to throw them off-track. For other people, success itself can cause complacency and lead them to think too early in the process that they’ve solved their problems.
Looking at your map of triggers, what can relieve or address these scenarios before they happen? If you’re trying to give up smoking, for example, it might be wise to avoid friends or colleagues who smoke until you’re in the later stages of your plan.
You might also consider keeping a journal to track your progress in the morning and at night. In the morning, take five minutes to note what triggering situations you might be presented with during the day and how you’d like to respond to them. By practicing this morning ritual, you’ll be mentally prepared to deal with situations as they arise and respond in a way you can take pride in. At night, take a few minutes to note how you responded throughout the day, adding any unanticipated triggers that you encountered to your “What Will Test Me?” map.
Create a realistic plan with incremental goals.
Now that you’ve created detailed maps tracing where you are, where you want to go, and the possible obstacles, shortcomings, or solutions on the road to getting there, it’s finally time to create a plan.
The first thing you’ll want to do is set a date to review your progress. By setting a date in your calendar, you’ll keep yourself accountable for your progress and have dedicated time to tweak your plan with more challenging goals. To start, try setting a review reminder for every three weeks.
The key message here is: Create a realistic plan with incremental goals.
Most of us have a tendency to want to impose extreme measures on ourselves when we set out to achieve a goal. Shahroo once had a client named Paul who yearned for a more inspiring job. Having worked at the same company for eight years after graduating from college, he had gotten into the habit of joining some of his colleagues at the pub every day after work. There, they would drink and complain about the company and other colleagues. As a result, he often came into work the next day feeling hungover, which led him to eat unhealthy foods that left him feeling even more fatigued.
When coming up with a plan, Paul suggested that he abstain from drinking entirely, work out at the gym, job hunt for three hours every night, and restrict his diet to fruit, fish, and salad. As an alternative, Shahroo suggested that Paul choose two nights when he would most likely be able to resist joining his colleagues at the pub. On these nights, he would dedicate two hours to job-hunting while eating a healthy, enjoyable meal that he had selected beforehand. Then, the mornings after his job-hunting evenings, he would get off the bus a few stops before work and walk the last stretch.
By making sure that your plan is realistic, you’ll be more likely to achieve the expectations you set for yourself at each step in the process. You’ll feel proud of what you were able to accomplish and motivated to keep going, knowing what you’re capable of. On your review date, make sure you add your successes to your “What I’m Proud of” map. Then, determine the next incremental changes that will help move you toward the lifestyle you’d like to lead.
Final summary
The key message in these blinks:
Cultivating positive habits through self-compassion can improve our lives far beyond the immediate goals many of us aim to achieve. By putting in the work to map out where you are and where you want to be before devising a realistic plan, you can improve your chances of getting back on the path to success even when your progress lapses.
Actionable advice:
Write yourself a letter as a reminder of why you want to change.
There will inevitably be times when your motivation wanes. When faced with obstacles or triggers, you might even convince yourself that things weren’t as bad as you initially thought they were, and change isn’t actually necessary. To remind yourself of how important it is for you to change, write a letter including why you’ve adopted this new approach to change. Highlight why it’s important to you to change and what it will mean to you when you reach your goal. Then put the letter in a place where you’ll remember to read it next time you’re feeling unmotivated.
What to read next: Making Habits, Breaking Habits, by Jeremy Dean
As you’ve just learned, even the worst habits were developed for a reason that served you at the time. By recognizing this reason instead of dwelling on your perceived incompetence, you can break the bonds of your past and start living the life you want.
But what are habits, exactly? In the blinks to Making Habits, Breaking Habits, you’ll learn what habits are and how we form them. How can understanding habits equip us to create positive ones or change negative ones? To find out how to take control of your habits for lasting, positive change in your life, head over to our blinks for Making Habits, Breaking Habits.
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